Today, I want to cry…

Here is the thing about artists. Something I am learning about myself anyway. I’m not sure every artist feels this way. I just know I do… at least today.

I just watched a short video on how society kills creativity. If you haven’t seen it, check it out here. At the end of the video, I just wanted to cry, it brought up so many memories, not just about myself, but also about my daughter.

My daughter when she was three years old, drew these amazing abstract pieces of art. I remember asking her one day what one of her drawings was and was promptly told, “It’s a machine Mama.” I laminated that picture so I would be able to keep it forever because I knew in my gut her time in public school would change her art. It did.

The other thing the video brought to mind was how I feel sitting down to do any piece of art, whether it was a class assignment or something I wanted to do on my own. The feelings that arise within me as I sit in front of a blank sheet of paper, no matter what color, or even if there is something already draw on it and I need to add to it, are confined. They do not flow freely. It is difficult to describe this feeling. It is like knowing something is there but you can’t see it, you can feel it, but you can’t reach it. It is the most frustrating feeling in the world, at least for me.

Seeing the boy, turn to observe the violinist, the sense of awe and pure joy is what all artists should feel or it is what they WANT to feel at the beginning of everything they start, but instead, many, like me, feel confined, held back, as if there is something seeking to burst free but has been tightly locked up and we have lost the key to unlock it.

I don’t recall as single moment in my life where I have been told not to do something a particular way. I do recall being shown EXACTLY HOW to do something. Penmanship lessons in first and second grade are a perfect example. (I could give a million other examples of every lesson learned in and out of school.) Letters must slant just so. The tail on the last letter must curve up, just so. Only in later grades were any of us daring enough to try and add a curl to the end or to create larger ovals on our letters, or big loops on the tails of ‘y’s and ‘g’s.

I’m good at copying. If I am really meticulous I can recreate a lesson almost exactly as my teacher if I have the same supplies she/he does. I learned how to do this through years and years of watching others in school, in society, what was acceptable and what was not acceptable. So much so, when I try to let my imagination have free reign, my imagination suddenly finds itself halted in its tracks, not knowing what to do. Or, how to do it. Or where exactly someone’s instructions, or copying ends and my imagination starts.

I felt like crying at the end of the video because I could totally relate to both the child and the adult. I find myself today, having begun a new job just this week, relating so very much with the adult in the video. I could feel my color drain from me. I have spent the past year and half, not working, at least not in the ‘normal’ sense of a job. I spent that year and half working to discover and reawaken my inner artist. I worked on trying to break down the conditioning society has placed upon me since I was a small child. And now I find myself having to shrug back into that conditioning in order to step back into the workplace to bring in the money I need to take care of me and my daughter.

I try not to write about my personal life here on this blog. This blog is supposed to be about my art, my experience as an artist, and my journey. But, I would be remiss in leaving this out. I would be horribly remiss in leaving this part of my journey out.

I am not alone in this. I have no doubt there are hundreds if not thousands of artists out there who have to suppress this part of themselves in order to survive. In order to live and work to make ends meet. This is not what I want in my life any more.

I worked my first full day on Tuesday, came home exhausted, with no energy to create. Towards the end of the evening I could barely keep my eyes open after just putting a few pen strokes on my journal page I have in progress. Today, I found it very difficult to get focused for working on my journal page so I decided to be brave and try working on sewing.

I won’t go into describing the sewing project right now other than to say it is supposed to be a quilted pillow cover. I may go into describing it in another post but not now. This was something I could easily stop and start during my day as I had to go to an appointment and ended up in an out of the house while running errands.

Writing this post tonight has me in tears for many reasons. I feel as though I am losing ground on what I have accomplished over the past year and a half. I feel as though I am reverting back to that person who was so bound up and lost in the business world and so out of touch from her inner artist. I haven’t had a chance to work on the Mandala Madness course which has also made me sad and heartbroken. Ever After 2017 which I won a seat in has also had to take a backseat. This is only the first week of returning to the workforce and I feel like I have gone into mourning over the loss of a close friend.

I feel the color drain from me. I feel like the child handing over the final lesson where he has finally written his letters as he was instructed to write them, without any creativity. I feel like I’m in a world where all is repetitive, dull, grey and somewhere there stands the violinist in a tiny little spot, under a small colorful tree, which no one sees as they go about their day.

It is hard to move forward in the world when there is so much grey around you, reminding you, and discouraging you from creating your own colorful world. It can be like trying to break through a thick brick wall, to only have another brick thrown over the tiny hole you have created that gives you that tiny bit of hope that you are on the right path.

Finding My True Artist?

I’ve been practicing, learning, trying to find my own sense of style in my artwork. It isn’t as easy as it sounds. I can definitely see influences of the teachers I’ve been learning from. Not that it is a bad thing.  I just feel as though I’m channeling them and not me. Here is an example of my art journal page I did lately without following a lesson or a prompt or while watching a video. The inspiration was my own, but the artwork well, I’ll explain after I show you the picture.

I created this journal spread over the past couple of days. If anyone knows Tamara Laporte you will immediately see her influence in this piece. The background with the moon and stars was influenced by Dede Willingham. There is a more subtle influence which comes from Christy Sobolewski.

The artists I mention are not all the artists I’ve studied and learned from. They are the main influences for this particular spread. I follow many others, Barb Owen is just one other I study consistently and many, many others I grab bits and pieces from.

This however is my own sketch, using skills I learned from Christy Sobolewski and Tamara Laporte, as well as, skills I remember from high school. The sketch looked much better in person. I say looked because I painted over it. It was part of a Life Book 2017 lesson. However, what it did was prove to myself, if I practice, I can become rather good at sketching portraits.

Portraits have been something which I haven’t done since high school art class. They frustrated me. I found them intimidating. For a long time, my idea of art was if my reference is a photo of real life or real life itself, then my art had to look like real life. I never understood the concept of abstract or whimsical or other types of art. Even though I loved some of them, I couldn’t wrap my artist’s brain around how to create them. Letting go has never been something I do well, if, at all.

This is changing. I am finding whimsical fun, however, I have yet to find my own style in whimsical which is why you see Tam’s influence.

I created an abstract painting in my journal, which I found fun and challenging. As I said, letting go isn’t something I do easily, and for abstract, you have to let go.

Then occasionally, I have to satisfy the orderly, logical, and mathematical side of my artistic nature. This is where mandalas come in.

I love these. I could sit down and draw these for hours and hours. Not to say I can’t do the same with my other drawings or paintings, in fact I do. It is just, the mandala seems to satisfy a part of me, the other drawings don’t. Maybe if I had gone into architectural design, it would do the same thing. I’m extremely logical, so the geometric designs, the detailed symmetrical work appeals to that part of me. Maybe it is why I also enjoy creating border designs for stationary.

This is probably one of my favorites. Orderly, neatness, perfection appeals to me though you couldn’t tell that by looking at me or my surroundings. Maybe secretly I love messiness too.

I guess the point is, I’m working through all of this. Trying to find my true artist.

~Patti